I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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