I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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