her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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