Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
