Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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