i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
