I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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