Got a toothbrush?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize