Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
