I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
