I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
