The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
