I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
