I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
