Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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