I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
