I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
where are you?
Hypothermia
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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