if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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