Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
