Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
