Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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