I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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