Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
