i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
