I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
