btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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