So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
