man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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