This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
