I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
