your thong is hanging out like whoa
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just blew my weed a kiss
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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