mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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