Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Even my vagina gasped.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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