Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
