Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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