Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
