Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
