Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Can I color on your dick again?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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