Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Boobs are out for the taking
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
