As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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