i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
