even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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