so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
