I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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