need another drink. this is the easiest way
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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