i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
