She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
