i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I deserve this hangover.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
