She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
