am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
