And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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