bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
