you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
