did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
