Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
