Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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