Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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