I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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