Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I cut my penus on the lid.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
