I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
