i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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