I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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