She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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