if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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