i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
